Every day in my work as a therapist, I see how powerful true connection can be. Whether with families, couples, or individuals, one theme that consistently arises is the difference between empathy and sympathy–and understanding that difference can have a profound impact on our relationships.
What is sympathy?
Sympathy is often our first instinct when we see someone in pain. It’s the act of feeling sorrow or pity for someone else’s misfortune. Imagine a friend tells you they lost their job. A sympathetic response might be, “Oh no, that’s so awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Sympathy acknowledges someone’s struggle but can sometimes create a sense of distance. It places you in the position of an observer—someone who sees the pain but remains outside of it.
Although sympathy often stems from genuine care, it can sometimes come across as dismissive. It may unintentionally downplay someone’s experience by providing only a surface-level response rather than truly engaging with their emotions. In some cases, sympathy can feel like a quick fix—recognizing someone’s pain without fully sitting with them in their discomfort.
What is empathy?
Empathy, on the other hand, is about being fully present with someone in their experience. It means listening without judgment, sitting with them in their emotions, and seeking to truly understand rather than just observe. It’s not about fixing or solving their pain but about acknowledging it. Instead of saying, “That sounds awful,” empathy sounds like, “That must feel overwhelming. Tell me more.” It’s an invitation to connect, not just to comfort.
Empathy builds bridges. It allows us to move beyond observation and into connection. It’s an active process that requires listening, curiosity, and a willingness to be vulnerable ourselves. When we offer empathy, we communicate, “I’m here with you. You’re not alone.”
Why the Difference Matters in Your Relationship
Recognizing the difference between empathy and sympathy is essential for building strong, meaningful relationships. Sympathy, while often well-intentioned, can unintentionally create a power imbalance—placing one person in the role of the comforter and the other in the role of someone to be pitied. This dynamic can create distance rather than connection. Empathy, on the other hand, fosters a sense of equality and shared experience. It says, “I see you, I hear you, and I’m with you.” Sympathy can sometimes feel like a polite obligation, a way to acknowledge someone’s emotions without fully engaging with them. It allows us to check the social norm box helps us avoid uncomfortable emotions.
Empathy, however, invites deeper understanding. It is especially vital in close relationships, where being truly seen and heard strengthens trust. In families, it helps children feel safe enough to express themselves openly. In partnerships, it nurtures emotional intimacy and equips couples to navigate conflicts with compassion rather than defensiveness. Unlike sympathy, which can sometimes focus on offering solutions or quick reassurances, empathy creates space for emotions without judgment or the urge to fix. It allows people to feel validated, understood, and supported—building a foundation for stronger, more connected relationships.
How to Practice Empathy
Empathy is a skill you can develop. Here are a few ways to cultivate deeper connections:
- Listen Without Interrupting: Give the other person your full attention and resist the urge to jump in with advice or solutions.
- Ask Open-ended Questions: Instead of making assumptions, ask questions like, “How are you feeling about this?” or “What’s been the hardest part for you?”
- Reflect Back What You Hear: Summarize what the other person is saying to ensure you’re understanding them correctly. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated and unsure about what’s next.”
- Be comfortable with Silence: Sometimes, just being there without saying anything can be incredibly powerful. Your presence alone can communicate, “I’m here for you.”
- Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Try to imagine what it would feel like to be in their position. What emotions might you experience? What support would you want?
Closing Thoughts
The next time someone confides in you, take a moment to pause and ask yourself: Am I offering sympathy or true empathy? While sympathy may feel like the natural response, it’s empathy that creates real connection. When we take the time to step into someone else’s experience, even for a moment, we create a space where healing, trust, and deeper relationships can flourish.
In my work as a therapist, I witness the transformative power of empathy every day. It’s not always easy or about having the perfect words or fixing the problem—it’s about being fully present, offering understanding, and allowing others to feel truly seen. And as we practice empathy in our daily lives, we not only strengthen our relationships but also deepen our own capacity for compassion and understanding.
If you are interested in talking with a therapist, reach out to a member of our team at Cobalt Counseling Group to get started today.